gila bipolar sial.
from one moment i am all jumpy-jumpy.
and the next i am all messy and emotional.
the kind if i talk about it i think i'll start bawling like a imbecile.
which is why i hate talking about sappy crap to anyone.
seriously, this couple of nights in these couple of months i've been feeling so fucking lonely.
from emo twitterings to tear-infused conversations.
i don't mind BEING lonely.
but i hate FEELING it.
because you can feel lonely even when you are surrounded by the people you love.
and being alone does not mean you will feel lonely.
i jump into too many conclusions to make me feel so much better about the future arrangements.
telling myself that things will unfold in a good way.
all the positive thinking helps for a bit.
and then moments after they just drain out leaving me back to square one.
being optimistic is tiring because it takes a lot for people let alone MYSELF to actually convince my-own-freaking-self!
so i like numbing it all out.
keeping myself busy does work only to a certain extend.
sometimes i like it when i'm poor and left with only $50 to last we for 10 days because then i will stay home and not run off buying bad-juju to make me feel whole again.
i can say no to happy-nightouts because indirectly i'll say no to the drugs.
so i'm at home listening to emo music, curling up crying in bed.
to be honest i have no idea what is wrong with me.
if i could i would list them all here.
but i don't.
so i'm stuck with something i don't think i can fix.
i step out into the world to at least TRY to work things out.
i need to seem okay.
before everything falls apart.
i can't let YOU see me like how i feel.
sometimes i just want to disappear and never come back.
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